I for one believe that Bob is absolutely, undeniably ok with kiddie sex as
long as the kiddie likes it.

He's alluded to, and outright said, that that is his position many times
even since *I* have been here (which isn't that long really).

What Bob musn't realize about that is that children, hell, adults for that
matter, are very accepting individuals, both physically and mentally, and
can take any hardships..work load, physical strain, even sexual abuse, and
turn it to their advantage.

In other words, a child being molested could very very well accept the
physical excitement because they have no choice.

But Bob seems to think it's ok, even if it's abuse.

I've developed my own ideas about sexual abuse, not because I was a sexually
abused child, but from what I have seen since.

My own abuse allows me to be more understanding of the mentality of the
abused, but it does not form my opinion of what constitutes abuse.

No.  Those opinions were formed years after my abuse ended.

App September 20th, 1987.

When the little baby, three months old, that I talked about in an earlier
post, was featured on the Fairfield California news.

Three months old and sexually assulted by an adult male.

You know what has stuck in my mind all these 18 years about that little
girl?

The very thing that I would not want to hear the details of...the reported
reconstructive surgeries that she would have to have to have functioning
genital organs in adult life.

I've always wondered about that little girl.  I wondered if the surgeries
worked.  I wondered if she will be able to have children.  I wonder if she
will, as an adult, be able to have normal sexual relations.

I wonder if her mind is ok.

I've thought about that kid for 18 years.  And it was her that first made me
think about just how terrible the effects of sexual abuse of a child really
is.

I wish I knew something of how she has faired in life, and have a deep sense
of sympathy for her parents who must feel extreme guilt and anxiety over
what has happened to thier daughter...especially if the child will never
have a 'normal' life.

I will tell you something that I have rarely, in my life, shared with
anyone.

My mother's husband, when he met me at the age of just a few months,
worshipped the ground that I walked on.

After they were married I was his 'little' girl, and I could do no wrong.

I've been told that he showed me off proudly to everyone, and nothing was
too good for me.  I had the best dresses, shoes, an expensive pram, etc.

I never thought that my step father was a bad man.

I think he was a sick man.

I don't think that he intended to hurt me in any way, and even if the
physical aspects of the abuse were not hard to take (and they were, don't
get me wrong), the secrecy, the lies, the hiding and carrying the weight of
being a sexually abused child was more than anyone should ever bear.

I believe, in all honesty, that my step father never set out to be a 'child
molester'.

I believe that he somehow confused the love of a daughter for the love of a
woman in his mind.

He took his life when I was 13 years old with a gunshot to his stomach.

The whole scene divided our family for years.

It was nearly twenty years before his mother, a woman I had called my
grandmother all my life, would even look me in the eyes, and even then I
believe she only did so because she was put in a position where she had to.

Not only was it a horrible thing for his mother, but my mother as well.

She died in July of 2002.  Twenty years after the abuse ended, and still
could not let it go.  She begged me, essentially, for fogiveness for not
protecting and believing me on her death bed.  She was insistent, taking my
hand in hers and saying it over and over again while I tried to interject
with 'It's ok, mom, you don't have to worry about it, it's ok, you focus on
getting better, and forget about that, it was a long time ago and I don't
hold anything against you.'

To think, that was her dying concern.  How it must have impacted her so!

An aunt who knew has made apology after apology for not stepping up.

An uncle who knew still, to this day, cannot look me in my eye and avoids me
at all cost.

My maternal grandmother died in 1995 knowing that she should have done
something, and feeling the guilt and shame of not doing anything.

And him..well, he's gone...not suffering the consequences of HIS actions.
Hadn't for the twenty years following when my mother and everyone else did.

He left behind a multitude of people who HAVE suffered the consequences of
his actions.

Not me.

I left it behind me once I realized, or rationalized in my mind that he
didn't mean to hurt me.  I choose to believe that I was not a target of some
malicious pervert who used me like a piece of meat.  There are many out
there who aren't like him, and do use children for their own pleasures.
(The Marquis...read his writings...why are they so popular when he talks of
sex with children and abuse of them?  Because there are many out there who
want to live the life that he dreamed of.)

Once I came to that acceptance I never looked back but to comfort those who
could not accept it and move on.  Those who have felt guilt and shame and
sympathy for me all the last 20 years.

Some of them, like my mother, would never get over what he did to me.

I feel sorry for them because though they don't realize it, that was just
one of many things that didn't kill me, only made me stronger.  In that way
it was a good experience in my life.

Though I was able to overcome it, that certainly does not mean that EVERYONE
who is abused, both sexually and in other ways, can turn away from it and
keep walking.

Over the years I have known so many people who, after sexual abuse, were
just not right in the head.

Women who abused thier own children, who became alcoholics, drug addicts,
child molesters, sexual deviates, and worse...criminals, suicidal,
murderous.  (I've never known a male victim of CSA...not intimately enough
to converse with him about it)

And you know what I have found that we ALL had in common?

After the initial shock wore off, and the realization that we were in no
position to escape the abuse, we all, every single one, accepted it and
eventually found it physically gratifying.

Not because we liked it.  No, but because we have bodies that were designed
to react to stimuli, and despite the mental torment, our bodies did.

So.  How many of you are there out there?  Let's see...Kane, Dan, Bob, Greg,
Doug, Ron, Michael...am I missing anyone?  Ok, that makes 7.

You are seven of maybe 20 people that I have ever shared this with.

Now that I have, you can certainly understand, from the viewpoint of a
victim of CSA, and friend and relative to many many CSA victims, how CSA is
DESTRUCTIVE, not only to the victim, but to the perpetrator  (mine comitted
suicide, others spend a good portion or their whole lives in jail.  They
lose friends, jobs, familes and more), and all those around them...and even
future generations.

Bob...you are wrong.

I will say it 'til the day I die.

You are wrong.

And I hope that no perverts coming to this NG for insight take your words to
heart and believe that sex with a child is ok.  I hope that for the
children, the mothers, the fathers, the aunts, uncles, grandparents, sisters
and brothers, and everyone in close relation to the abused child.

Because you are wrong!

Me, and my whole family, are living proof of that.

Whether the child is 3 months, or 13 years, it never ever ever is to the
advantage of the child to be the victim of the desires of another.

Even little girls who are talked into sex with a boyfriend who essentially
uses them, will find herself feeling shame, guilt, and other mental effects
of being used.

it can only be worse when the abuse comes from a trusted relative, family
friend, or anyone else known to a child.

I abhor those who have sex with children.

I don't care if it's a 17 year old and a 14 year old, as was the case with
my son's last GF before he met his wife and married her.

He said 'Mom, you don't understand, I love her.'  And I said 'Son, if you
really love her that much then you can wait until she's old enough'.

And he didn't. (ahhh, shallow love!)

Good thing for her, and even him.

Rethink your position on child sexuality Bob.  You cannot be that ignorant.